The game begins with the creation of avatars; those of your spouse and children. Realism is key here, as will later become clear. Following this you must now work to complete the following stages:
STAGE 1: You are lying in bed, allowing the delightful chirping of morning birds to gently pull you from sleep, when suddenly the bedroom door bursts open. Before you can react your children are airborne, their pointy little knees and elbows heading directly for you genital region (to enhance experience, place remote near genitals). Swing the controller left or right to avoid contact. When the children land, they begin a thunderous “We want a Wii!” chant, in crazed, shrill voices. Press the A button repeatedly and continue swinging motion with remote to thrust children off the bed. Hold down the trigger button and point it at the children to inform them, “Only good girls and boys who let mommy and daddy sleep get Wii’s.”
STAGE 2: You are driving to the store. If you completed Stage 1 in less than two minutes you are driving a Range Rover. If not, you are clearly not equipped to handle high pressure situations, no doubt have a low pressure, low paying job, and are therefore driving an early-millennium Dodge Caravan. Traffic is bad. Use the trigger to accelerate, and turn the remote left and right to steer. Deflect “We want a Wii!” chant with deft radio control (the 1 and 2 buttons). If you allow the radio to reach a commercial your children’s heads begin to swivel a la The Exorcist and they commence projectile vomiting. If you crash the car, you lose. If you drive too fast and get pulled over you must bribe the cop with the Wii money, resulting in Exorcist-vomit from your children. When you reach the store you must parallel park.
STAGE 3: You are installing the Wii. The children are in a delirious, anticipatory frenzy, chanting, “We want to play!” Silence them by working yourself into a rage that puts the fear of God in them (hit the trigger button 2x per second for one full minute). If you cannot, then Exorcist-vomit begins. Your spouse is mad that he/she has to figure out dinner all by him/herself. Appease him/her with a quick shoulder rub using the arrows and the 1 and 2 buttons. The dog is attempting to urinate on the Wii. Throw its favorite toy out the back door (hold down trigger and make throwing motion with controller).
STAGE 4: You are playing Wii Wii on your newly installed Wii. Re-complete stages 1-3 on your avatar’s TV, which will be a hi-def flat screen if you have successfully completed all the challenges thus far, but a 16-inch Magnavox if you have allowed any Exorcist-vomiting to occur.
STAGE 5: You are in bed with your spouse. Your children are currently in a Wii-coma, after hours of play. Pour yourself wine with the A button. Deflect your spouse’s amorous advances by swinging the remote evasively and then stroking his/her hair with the 1 and 2 buttons. Failure to do so will result in Exorcist head-spinning and vomiting by your spouse. You must stay awake for more than five minutes by repeatedly hitting the trigger button while stroking your spouse’s hair and drinking wine. If you are able to do this, congratulations! You have beat Wii Wii. Put down the remote and enter Wii-coma.
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I'm not sure I understand the layers of the multiverse you just created in my head here: is it a game within a game?
ReplyDeleteAs if to add another layer of confusion, contrau is me. 'Con trau' is Vietnamese for buffalo, my animal and my blog title on Wordpress.
ReplyDeleteohh, and i always thought your blog had something to do with you being in buffalo club, which i bet you havent been keeping up with, so consider this a digital call out and pound your next beer please. and yes, the above post does include a game within a game. there is a multiverse going on, which i wish scott wasn't a part of. i had to read his post like 3 times to make sure it wasn't a super-clever joke, but sadly, i have concluded that he is just trying to sell us shit.
ReplyDeleteYou cook a delicious blog Taint. yours was my first. never followed one before. (hunter i will read yours next) Just one question: Isnt a game within a game like a hand inside a sock puppet? The sock puppet buying the game appears to be in control but it is the avatar hand inside that is actually giving it life, maneuvering its clumsy mouth. Who is doing the buying and who is doing the playing?
ReplyDeletethe hand is doing the buying. the hand is doing the playing. the sock is merely the image the hand becomes (ie. the avatar) as it engages with its constructed, multiverse reality. the real question michael, that philosophers have been grappling with for centuries, is what controls the hand inside the sock? is their a ghost in the machine in the machine? and if a ghost in a machine in a machine poops in the woods and no one is around to smell it, does it make a stink? this is your koan...
ReplyDeleteLet me rephrase. A puppet with a hand has a defined shape, but without a hand it is nothing. just a blob. It is limited by the hand that made it, however, once made the hand too must conform to the shape of the puppet. If the hand's shape is a creation of the puppet, could it be that we are in fact controlled by that which we created? Does this suggest that the hand is the avatar and the puppet is us?
ReplyDeleteAnd....about the ghost in a machine in a machine pooping in the woods....excellent question. i need more time.