The Devil, Inc.

To the Shareholder’s of The Devil, Inc.:

This year was a good year. How good? Almost fifty-nine million people died, setting a new world record. Furthermore, of those fifty-nine million, a record 63.7 percent were sinners. Why so much sin? The World Wide Web, of course. In the Digital Age, sinning no longer requires a victim. Instead of finding someone to assail, a potential perpetrator can go directly to their computer, a machine that is virtually a sinning jukebox. Advances in search engines allow the perp to find his or her vice almost instantaneously, allowing holy transgressions to occur at record rate. Type in “How to” on Google, and after “tie a tie”, “kiss”, and “lose weight fast”, the fourth most popular search is “get pregnant”. Evil is constantly available at one’s fingertips, making Hell a more attainable destination than it has ever been before (and if you don’t believe us, click here: www.perezhilton.com).


HOW WE MEASURE OURSELVES

Our main competition is Heaven. And we use the word competition lightly, considering a meager 28.2 percent of humans end up there (side note: all dogs, unfortunately, do go to Heaven. However, all cats go to Hell, so it’s a fair trade). Since the dawn of man, humans have shown incredible weakness. Adam bit the apple, Brutus stabbed Ceaser, Benedict Arnold was a turncoat, and Jesse James is a cheat. Humans are weak, and will continue to be weak, making Hell a popular post-life locale for eons to come (bring extra sunscreen!)

8.1 percent of humans end up in purgatory. These hesitant, waffling, wishy-washy individuals lack the mental fortitude to be really, really bad (like Michael Jackson) or really, really good (like Susan Boyle), and thus we don’t want them anyway. Enjoy their presence for all of eternity, God!


WHAT WE DO

We torture. We do it very well. We do it forever.


WHAT WE DON”T DO

We don’t rest. We don’t foreclose. We don’t accept government bailouts. We don’t give hefty bonuses to executives. In fact, we torture those very executives once they have reached the afterlife. We can assure you that they most definitely do not rest in peace. We save some of our most creative forms of torture for these individuals, such as texting on a Blackberry made of fire, eating their lifetimes’ net worth in pennies, and our favorite, starting a non-profit (hello Bernie Madoff!).

Our stunning success is all due to the tireless work of our founder and CEO, Lucifer. He has been there from the start, longer than the board of directors. Actually, longer than all of the 2,134 different boards of directors that this corporation has seen. He is the straw that stirs the drink, and what a wicked drink it is.

In closing, we’d like to assure those of you that have heard otherwise, that our founder does not wear Prada. No, the Devil wears Sean John (big ups Diddy!). And yes, he makes fabulous eggs. Here’s to our continued partnership and success.
Best regards,
The Devil’s Advocacy