Re-Inventing the Wheel

We, the Caveman Youth Council (CYC), would like to take this opportunity to file a formal complaint against the Caveman Elders (CE) regarding the invention of the wheel. Although the elders are adept at many things, like spearing sabre-toothed tigers, building fires, and the removal and consumption of lice, and their wisdom – even at the advanced age of thirty-five – is unsurpassable, we believe that the wheel, as presently constructed, suffers from several serious design flaws. These flaws, as presented below, severely inhibit the wheel’s ability to accomplish the goals originally decided upon at the last council meeting: namely, those of transportation and convenience. We understand that the wheel’s chief architect, Tuk Tuk, had tremendous success on previous invention projects – the statue, the sculpture, the effigy, and the bust – however we believe his skills do not translate well to this particular field. The flaws we have found are as follows:

- The wheel has not moved since that glacier deposited it in the Cave square three months ago and it was so named “the wheel”.
- It is made of rock.
- It is larger than a wooly mammoth.
- The massive spikes carved into the back side of the wheel not only inhibit motion, they have become a hindrance to the community, as just last week Ug, a skilled hunter, lost an eye while chasing a mastodon through the Cave square.
- Pteordactyls, as we know, are easily provoked. Thus the target on top of the wheel with the sign next to it that says “Pterodactyls! Poop Here!” has become a community nuisance.
- Since it is mating season for the wooly mammoth we believe it was a mistake to cover the front side of the wheel in wool. Confused mammoths have been doing things to the wheel that no Caveman should have to see until he or she reaches maturity, or age seven.
- The face carved onto the west side of the wheel that bears a striking resemblance to Tuk Tuk has in no way helped the wheel become a tool for transportation. Also, we disagree with the inscription next to the face that states, “Most handsomest Caveman.” Everyone knows Ong is the most handsomest caveman.
- Similarly, the wheel does not benefit from the sign declaring “Tuk Tuk wuz here.”
- The wheel is square.

We believe that these flaws will never allow the wheel to reach its full potential. Thus, the CYC would like to raise the issue to a vote at the next council meeting and make a motion to re-invent the wheel. It is our belief that a circular, wooden prototype, devoid of spikes, wool, targets, signs, carvings, and inscriptions would better accomplish the goals set out at the start of this project. Also on the agenda for the next meeting: the CYC believes the crude and primitive practice of grabbing one’s hand and shaking it vigorously upon introduction should be replaced by the much more informative sniffing of the genitals. It is much more practical for mating purposes. Thank you for your time.