Diary of an Actor

October 16th

Filmed the Miller Lite™ commercial today, the one where I’m supposed to tell the girl I love her, and then tell the waitress I’d love a Miller Lite™, and she makes me choose, and I recite a sonnet, and she thinks its to her, and I lean in for the kiss, and she leans in, but instead my mouth goes to my Miller Lite™ and I take a long, sexual swig, and she slips off her stool and crashes to the ground in a heap, and I shrug. Only…something weird happened. As I was about to say “love” I felt something short-circuit up in my brain, like a wire snapped, and I couldn’t say it! I just kept mumbling stuff like, “Lueerrve.” Everyone was looking at me like, “Are you outta your mind?”, and then a crazy thing happened, they all started laughing! The director was like, “Great work Jason! That’s fantastic. Let’s roll with it!” I think it’s cause I faked that improv class on my resume. Anyway, it all worked out though my brain still feels kinda funky. Tried to brush my teeth with the comb, and instead of toothpaste I used hair gel (or maybe I was actually combing my hair! LOL!) Anyway, hair looks really good, as usual. I’ve been using DandRough™ to prep for shoot in four days.

October 18th

Brain still feels weird. Poured coffee in cereal, then tried to eat it with a fork. I normally eat my coffeereal (copyright: me!) with my Swiss Hunting Spork, so that’s odd. Also, instead of calling my date I called my brother, which was fine, except I talked to him for two minutes before realizing it wasn’t my date. Hair, just okay. Gotta condition, filming DandRough™ add in two days.

October 20th

Woke up with wild hair. Combed and gelled. Went to commercial shoot. All was well until I was supposed to turn to the camera and say, “DandRough™, the shampoo men choose who don’t want flakes to get in the way.” Instead, I said, “DandRough™, the men flakes poo choose the don’t want who get in the way.” Whaaa!? I couldn’t even say that if I practiced it. A couple people chuckled. The director was like, “Impressive. But we’re not adlibbing this one.” Apparently word has gotten around the commercial circuit that I’m a freestyler. Used a Q-tip™ when I got home, felt fiery sensation in my brain.

October 23rd

Hair is a mess.

October 25th

Called my bro again instead of my date. Conversation lasted four minutes. Tried to initiate phone sex. Woke up with phone in my mouth, on the kitchen floor, wearing only an apron.

October 29th

Gilette™ shoot. Nailed it. The director said, “Give me manly alpha male on the down stroke of the razor, but sensitive beta male when you splash the aftershave on.” No idea why but I said, “Sure thing Fuckhead!” Thankfully his name is Feukheide. Then on the down stroke I felt the flame in my brain again, and this time it was extremely painful and I gave a menacing, pained stare into the camera. When I switched to the aftershave tears of relief formed since the pain had subsided, and I looked sensitive as a baby. Feukheide loved it, although he was a little off-put when I drank the rest of the aftershave and proceeded to shave my head. Oh yeah…I HAVE NO HAIR!!!!

November 1st

Got a strange call from my doctor, who says I called him, and left him a message in which I was telling my brother how crazy it was that I kept calling him instead of my date. Scheduled appointment. Found myself combing my hairless skull and crying. What is wrong with me?

November 3rd

Finding ordinary things slightly difficult. Shot Q-tip™ commercial. Instead of inserting Q-tip™ in my ear, I inserted it in my asshole. Was asked to leave the set. Got a message from my date, who said to never call her again, due to all the phone conversations we had in which I began to think she was my brother half way through. I’m losing it.

Novvembrr 4th

Spleling is becalming diffikult. Dawkter aptmentt 2day.

November 6th

Doc said I was suffering from acute chemical poisoning, due to extreme overuse of hair product. However since I no longer possess any hair, my chemical imbalance has righted itself. I said, “Acute chemical poisoning? That ain’t so cute to me!” Looks like all those improv classes paid off. (LOL…there were no improv classes!)

A Helpful List

Prose			Cons
Montana: where mad men pen mad manifestoís, build bombs, and mail them.			Ted Kaczynski - life sentence without the possibility of parole for sending bombs in the mail.
’Tis a crime to murder women young at heart and supple of flesh. As the Son of Samís gunshot sounded, so did a midsummer nightís scream, another nubile victim snuffed out by evil.			David Berkowitz - six life sentences for killing six people.
"When I get to the bottom/I go back to the top of the slide/Where I stop and turn/and go for a ride," sang the Beatles. "Kill innocent people," heard Charles Manson, and kill he did.			Charles Manson - life sentence for first degree murder and conspiracy to commit murder.
The fuel for the Roaring Twenties was provided by booze, prohibited by law, and distributed by Al Capone, gangster extraordinaire.			Al Capone - eleven years for income tax evasion.
Wanted: The meanest bastard you ever saw. John Dillinger was a handsome devil with a wisp of a mustache and a smile slightly askew, the corners of his lips raised in wicked delight, his eyes dark, his soul darker.			John Dillinger - 10 -20 years for assault and battery, and conspiracy to commit a felony. Later charged with murder and killed by law enforcement.
In the bronze glow of a scintillating sunset, tumbleweeds sway in the dust, caressed by a wind that sometimes whispers the name of the fastest draw in the Old West, Billy the Kid.			Henry McCarty - found guilty of murder and sentenced to hang. Escaped and later killed by law enforcement.
The Robin Hood of the American West, Jesse James stole and murdered, vile acts of crime. But at least he never cheated on Sandra Bullock.			Jesse James - wanted for murder and armed robbery. Killed by a member of his own gang.