Diary of an Actor

October 16th

Filmed the Miller Lite™ commercial today, the one where I’m supposed to tell the girl I love her, and then tell the waitress I’d love a Miller Lite™, and she makes me choose, and I recite a sonnet, and she thinks its to her, and I lean in for the kiss, and she leans in, but instead my mouth goes to my Miller Lite™ and I take a long, sexual swig, and she slips off her stool and crashes to the ground in a heap, and I shrug. Only…something weird happened. As I was about to say “love” I felt something short-circuit up in my brain, like a wire snapped, and I couldn’t say it! I just kept mumbling stuff like, “Lueerrve.” Everyone was looking at me like, “Are you outta your mind?”, and then a crazy thing happened, they all started laughing! The director was like, “Great work Jason! That’s fantastic. Let’s roll with it!” I think it’s cause I faked that improv class on my resume. Anyway, it all worked out though my brain still feels kinda funky. Tried to brush my teeth with the comb, and instead of toothpaste I used hair gel (or maybe I was actually combing my hair! LOL!) Anyway, hair looks really good, as usual. I’ve been using DandRough™ to prep for shoot in four days.

October 18th

Brain still feels weird. Poured coffee in cereal, then tried to eat it with a fork. I normally eat my coffeereal (copyright: me!) with my Swiss Hunting Spork, so that’s odd. Also, instead of calling my date I called my brother, which was fine, except I talked to him for two minutes before realizing it wasn’t my date. Hair, just okay. Gotta condition, filming DandRough™ add in two days.

October 20th

Woke up with wild hair. Combed and gelled. Went to commercial shoot. All was well until I was supposed to turn to the camera and say, “DandRough™, the shampoo men choose who don’t want flakes to get in the way.” Instead, I said, “DandRough™, the men flakes poo choose the don’t want who get in the way.” Whaaa!? I couldn’t even say that if I practiced it. A couple people chuckled. The director was like, “Impressive. But we’re not adlibbing this one.” Apparently word has gotten around the commercial circuit that I’m a freestyler. Used a Q-tip™ when I got home, felt fiery sensation in my brain.

October 23rd

Hair is a mess.

October 25th

Called my bro again instead of my date. Conversation lasted four minutes. Tried to initiate phone sex. Woke up with phone in my mouth, on the kitchen floor, wearing only an apron.

October 29th

Gilette™ shoot. Nailed it. The director said, “Give me manly alpha male on the down stroke of the razor, but sensitive beta male when you splash the aftershave on.” No idea why but I said, “Sure thing Fuckhead!” Thankfully his name is Feukheide. Then on the down stroke I felt the flame in my brain again, and this time it was extremely painful and I gave a menacing, pained stare into the camera. When I switched to the aftershave tears of relief formed since the pain had subsided, and I looked sensitive as a baby. Feukheide loved it, although he was a little off-put when I drank the rest of the aftershave and proceeded to shave my head. Oh yeah…I HAVE NO HAIR!!!!

November 1st

Got a strange call from my doctor, who says I called him, and left him a message in which I was telling my brother how crazy it was that I kept calling him instead of my date. Scheduled appointment. Found myself combing my hairless skull and crying. What is wrong with me?

November 3rd

Finding ordinary things slightly difficult. Shot Q-tip™ commercial. Instead of inserting Q-tip™ in my ear, I inserted it in my asshole. Was asked to leave the set. Got a message from my date, who said to never call her again, due to all the phone conversations we had in which I began to think she was my brother half way through. I’m losing it.

Novvembrr 4th

Spleling is becalming diffikult. Dawkter aptmentt 2day.

November 6th

Doc said I was suffering from acute chemical poisoning, due to extreme overuse of hair product. However since I no longer possess any hair, my chemical imbalance has righted itself. I said, “Acute chemical poisoning? That ain’t so cute to me!” Looks like all those improv classes paid off. (LOL…there were no improv classes!)