The game begins with the creation of avatars; those of your spouse and children. Realism is key here, as will later become clear. Following this you must now work to complete the following stages:
STAGE 1: You are lying in bed, allowing the delightful chirping of morning birds to gently pull you from sleep, when suddenly the bedroom door bursts open. Before you can react your children are airborne, their pointy little knees and elbows heading directly for you genital region (to enhance experience, place remote near genitals). Swing the controller left or right to avoid contact. When the children land, they begin a thunderous “We want a Wii!” chant, in crazed, shrill voices. Press the A button repeatedly and continue swinging motion with remote to thrust children off the bed. Hold down the trigger button and point it at the children to inform them, “Only good girls and boys who let mommy and daddy sleep get Wii’s.”
STAGE 2: You are driving to the store. If you completed Stage 1 in less than two minutes you are driving a Range Rover. If not, you are clearly not equipped to handle high pressure situations, no doubt have a low pressure, low paying job, and are therefore driving an early-millennium Dodge Caravan. Traffic is bad. Use the trigger to accelerate, and turn the remote left and right to steer. Deflect “We want a Wii!” chant with deft radio control (the 1 and 2 buttons). If you allow the radio to reach a commercial your children’s heads begin to swivel a la The Exorcist and they commence projectile vomiting. If you crash the car, you lose. If you drive too fast and get pulled over you must bribe the cop with the Wii money, resulting in Exorcist-vomit from your children. When you reach the store you must parallel park.
STAGE 3: You are installing the Wii. The children are in a delirious, anticipatory frenzy, chanting, “We want to play!” Silence them by working yourself into a rage that puts the fear of God in them (hit the trigger button 2x per second for one full minute). If you cannot, then Exorcist-vomit begins. Your spouse is mad that he/she has to figure out dinner all by him/herself. Appease him/her with a quick shoulder rub using the arrows and the 1 and 2 buttons. The dog is attempting to urinate on the Wii. Throw its favorite toy out the back door (hold down trigger and make throwing motion with controller).
STAGE 4: You are playing Wii Wii on your newly installed Wii. Re-complete stages 1-3 on your avatar’s TV, which will be a hi-def flat screen if you have successfully completed all the challenges thus far, but a 16-inch Magnavox if you have allowed any Exorcist-vomiting to occur.
STAGE 5: You are in bed with your spouse. Your children are currently in a Wii-coma, after hours of play. Pour yourself wine with the A button. Deflect your spouse’s amorous advances by swinging the remote evasively and then stroking his/her hair with the 1 and 2 buttons. Failure to do so will result in Exorcist head-spinning and vomiting by your spouse. You must stay awake for more than five minutes by repeatedly hitting the trigger button while stroking your spouse’s hair and drinking wine. If you are able to do this, congratulations! You have beat Wii Wii. Put down the remote and enter Wii-coma.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The Devil, Inc.
To the Shareholder’s of The Devil, Inc.:
This year was a good year. How good? Almost fifty-nine million people died, setting a new world record. Furthermore, of those fifty-nine million, a record 63.7 percent were sinners. Why so much sin? The World Wide Web, of course. In the Digital Age, sinning no longer requires a victim. Instead of finding someone to assail, a potential perpetrator can go directly to their computer, a machine that is virtually a sinning jukebox. Advances in search engines allow the perp to find his or her vice almost instantaneously, allowing holy transgressions to occur at record rate. Type in “How to” on Google, and after “tie a tie”, “kiss”, and “lose weight fast”, the fourth most popular search is “get pregnant”. Evil is constantly available at one’s fingertips, making Hell a more attainable destination than it has ever been before (and if you don’t believe us, click here: www.perezhilton.com).
HOW WE MEASURE OURSELVES
Our main competition is Heaven. And we use the word competition lightly, considering a meager 28.2 percent of humans end up there (side note: all dogs, unfortunately, do go to Heaven. However, all cats go to Hell, so it’s a fair trade). Since the dawn of man, humans have shown incredible weakness. Adam bit the apple, Brutus stabbed Ceaser, Benedict Arnold was a turncoat, and Jesse James is a cheat. Humans are weak, and will continue to be weak, making Hell a popular post-life locale for eons to come (bring extra sunscreen!)
8.1 percent of humans end up in purgatory. These hesitant, waffling, wishy-washy individuals lack the mental fortitude to be really, really bad (like Michael Jackson) or really, really good (like Susan Boyle), and thus we don’t want them anyway. Enjoy their presence for all of eternity, God!
WHAT WE DO
We torture. We do it very well. We do it forever.
WHAT WE DON”T DO
We don’t rest. We don’t foreclose. We don’t accept government bailouts. We don’t give hefty bonuses to executives. In fact, we torture those very executives once they have reached the afterlife. We can assure you that they most definitely do not rest in peace. We save some of our most creative forms of torture for these individuals, such as texting on a Blackberry made of fire, eating their lifetimes’ net worth in pennies, and our favorite, starting a non-profit (hello Bernie Madoff!).
Our stunning success is all due to the tireless work of our founder and CEO, Lucifer. He has been there from the start, longer than the board of directors. Actually, longer than all of the 2,134 different boards of directors that this corporation has seen. He is the straw that stirs the drink, and what a wicked drink it is.
In closing, we’d like to assure those of you that have heard otherwise, that our founder does not wear Prada. No, the Devil wears Sean John (big ups Diddy!). And yes, he makes fabulous eggs. Here’s to our continued partnership and success.
Best regards,
The Devil’s Advocacy
This year was a good year. How good? Almost fifty-nine million people died, setting a new world record. Furthermore, of those fifty-nine million, a record 63.7 percent were sinners. Why so much sin? The World Wide Web, of course. In the Digital Age, sinning no longer requires a victim. Instead of finding someone to assail, a potential perpetrator can go directly to their computer, a machine that is virtually a sinning jukebox. Advances in search engines allow the perp to find his or her vice almost instantaneously, allowing holy transgressions to occur at record rate. Type in “How to” on Google, and after “tie a tie”, “kiss”, and “lose weight fast”, the fourth most popular search is “get pregnant”. Evil is constantly available at one’s fingertips, making Hell a more attainable destination than it has ever been before (and if you don’t believe us, click here: www.perezhilton.com).
HOW WE MEASURE OURSELVES
Our main competition is Heaven. And we use the word competition lightly, considering a meager 28.2 percent of humans end up there (side note: all dogs, unfortunately, do go to Heaven. However, all cats go to Hell, so it’s a fair trade). Since the dawn of man, humans have shown incredible weakness. Adam bit the apple, Brutus stabbed Ceaser, Benedict Arnold was a turncoat, and Jesse James is a cheat. Humans are weak, and will continue to be weak, making Hell a popular post-life locale for eons to come (bring extra sunscreen!)
8.1 percent of humans end up in purgatory. These hesitant, waffling, wishy-washy individuals lack the mental fortitude to be really, really bad (like Michael Jackson) or really, really good (like Susan Boyle), and thus we don’t want them anyway. Enjoy their presence for all of eternity, God!
WHAT WE DO
We torture. We do it very well. We do it forever.
WHAT WE DON”T DO
We don’t rest. We don’t foreclose. We don’t accept government bailouts. We don’t give hefty bonuses to executives. In fact, we torture those very executives once they have reached the afterlife. We can assure you that they most definitely do not rest in peace. We save some of our most creative forms of torture for these individuals, such as texting on a Blackberry made of fire, eating their lifetimes’ net worth in pennies, and our favorite, starting a non-profit (hello Bernie Madoff!).
Our stunning success is all due to the tireless work of our founder and CEO, Lucifer. He has been there from the start, longer than the board of directors. Actually, longer than all of the 2,134 different boards of directors that this corporation has seen. He is the straw that stirs the drink, and what a wicked drink it is.
In closing, we’d like to assure those of you that have heard otherwise, that our founder does not wear Prada. No, the Devil wears Sean John (big ups Diddy!). And yes, he makes fabulous eggs. Here’s to our continued partnership and success.
Best regards,
The Devil’s Advocacy
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