Lindsay Lohan's Secret "Body Language"

It has been well documented that during Lindsay Lohan’s probation violation hearing, her left middle fingernail contained a profane message seemingly directed at Judge Martha Revel: “Fuck U”. However, it has recently come to our attention that many more secret messages were written all over her body. Our super-sensitive, high-tech cameras were able to capture these messages:

- On Lindsay’s right hand was scrawled “Eggs, Milk, Toilet Paper.”

- On the inner arch of her right earlobe was written, “Probation HEARing…LOL.”

- The inside of her left nostril said, “Pick Me!”

- The inside of her right nostril said, “No, Pick Me!”

- On the underside of her tongue was written, “Lindsay doesn’t drink, I do.”

- On the back of her left shoulder was a drawing of Judge Revel hitting herself in the head with a gavel.

- The underside of her right knee said, “Nobody ever thinks about the undersides of knees. They are the most neglected of all body parts. Rub me twice a day.”

- Just above her anus was written, “Exit Only.”

- Her left big toenail said, “Don’t tread on me.”

- Her right pinky toenail said, “This little piggy could use a dirty martini.”

It is unclear whether these findings will have any bearing on future legal matters. Lindsay was unreachable for comment, however the back of her neck said, “Talk to the hand.”