It has been well documented that during Lindsay Lohan’s probation violation hearing, her left middle fingernail contained a profane message seemingly directed at Judge Martha Revel: “Fuck U”. However, it has recently come to our attention that many more secret messages were written all over her body. Our super-sensitive, high-tech cameras were able to capture these messages:
- On Lindsay’s right hand was scrawled “Eggs, Milk, Toilet Paper.”
- On the inner arch of her right earlobe was written, “Probation HEARing…LOL.”
- The inside of her left nostril said, “Pick Me!”
- The inside of her right nostril said, “No, Pick Me!”
- On the underside of her tongue was written, “Lindsay doesn’t drink, I do.”
- On the back of her left shoulder was a drawing of Judge Revel hitting herself in the head with a gavel.
- The underside of her right knee said, “Nobody ever thinks about the undersides of knees. They are the most neglected of all body parts. Rub me twice a day.”
- Just above her anus was written, “Exit Only.”
- Her left big toenail said, “Don’t tread on me.”
- Her right pinky toenail said, “This little piggy could use a dirty martini.”
It is unclear whether these findings will have any bearing on future legal matters. Lindsay was unreachable for comment, however the back of her neck said, “Talk to the hand.”
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Memo to Moscow
TOP SECRET
June 28th, 2010
Privyet Moscow!
After many long, boring years amidst the Americans our work here in Cambridge is coming to a close. It appears federal agents have been watching us, and so we are making plans to return to the Motherland. However, we would like to share the remarkable findings that we have discovered living the lives of our alter ego’s: Donald Heathfield and Tracey Ann Foley. Our status as embedded locals gave us keen and rare insight on the American as it lives and breathes, insight that could have tremendous global implications. We have entered the hearts and minds of Joe Six-Pack and Bessie Box-Wine and what we have seen is both immensely terrifying and terrifyingly dull:
- After painstaking undercover ops, Andrey was able to ascertain that all male leisure activities in America are an excuse to drink copious amounts of alcohol. This includes but is not limited to: bowling (getting drunk and rolling heavy balls at pins), golf (getting drunk and swinging sticks at balls), softball (getting drunk and swinging sticks at balls), darts (getting drunk and throwing sticks at walls), watching sports (getting drunk), and barbecuing (getting drunk and burning meat). The only leisure activity that does not involve getting drunk appears to be going out for drinks, during which the average American male actually enjoys quality, casual beverages.
- Any problem, fight, argument, melee, fracas, brawl, disagreement, dispute, or brouhaha can be blamed on “the economy”. In fact, blaming “the economy” often ends said brouhaha, uniting all parties in mutual, patriotic disgust.
- Lada Gaga is unattractive.
- Although the British monarchy was overthrown in 1776, there is a man Americans refer to as “The King”. Allegedly he moonlights as a basketball player named Lebron James, but his reverence and sheer influence clearly suggest a deeper, political connection to American society and international relations. He should be monitored.
- Miller Lite may have the funniest commercials, and all three beers target the same audience, but Americans actually prefer Bud Light and Coors Light.
- Baseball is boring.
- In America, vodka is a drink for women. This made Andrey incredibly surly, as he had to endure light beer. Whereas, Elena was viewed as a dynamic socialite who could hold her liquor. The next pair of spies will require a male who undergoes a rigorous beer drinking training regimen. The first time Andrey vomited at barbecues we were able to blame food poisoning, the second time a stomach bug, the third and fourth times a rare allergy. However, the fifth through fourteenth incidences were remarkably awkward.
- If you are a sardonic, dry Brit, your odds of becoming a judge on a television program improve by 7312 percent.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger is a governor. Initially we believed all footage of him as such was a movie preview, however we slowly came to understand that there is nothing fictional, ironical, or satirical about his role as an elected official.
- There is something called “flossing” that dentists recommend Americans do twice per day. However, never in our time here did we ever see or hear about anybody, anywhere, engaging in this activity.
- Although she has proven to be an insane, strangely attractive and ridiculously dumb human being, Sarah Palin’s commentary concerning Russia being “right over the border” from Alaska was a direct reference to our top secret underwater nuclear base right over the border from Alaska. She must be taken out.
This concludes our summary. Although we obtained little information regarding actual politics, we believe that we have cracked the code of the average American psyche. Just as Americans wrongly believed that Russians are comprised of vodka and pickles, we erred in our belief that Americans are comprised of hamburgers and beer. Actually, they prefer cheeseburgers.
Comrades in Arms,
Andrey Bezrukov and Elena Vavilova
June 28th, 2010
Privyet Moscow!
After many long, boring years amidst the Americans our work here in Cambridge is coming to a close. It appears federal agents have been watching us, and so we are making plans to return to the Motherland. However, we would like to share the remarkable findings that we have discovered living the lives of our alter ego’s: Donald Heathfield and Tracey Ann Foley. Our status as embedded locals gave us keen and rare insight on the American as it lives and breathes, insight that could have tremendous global implications. We have entered the hearts and minds of Joe Six-Pack and Bessie Box-Wine and what we have seen is both immensely terrifying and terrifyingly dull:
- After painstaking undercover ops, Andrey was able to ascertain that all male leisure activities in America are an excuse to drink copious amounts of alcohol. This includes but is not limited to: bowling (getting drunk and rolling heavy balls at pins), golf (getting drunk and swinging sticks at balls), softball (getting drunk and swinging sticks at balls), darts (getting drunk and throwing sticks at walls), watching sports (getting drunk), and barbecuing (getting drunk and burning meat). The only leisure activity that does not involve getting drunk appears to be going out for drinks, during which the average American male actually enjoys quality, casual beverages.
- Any problem, fight, argument, melee, fracas, brawl, disagreement, dispute, or brouhaha can be blamed on “the economy”. In fact, blaming “the economy” often ends said brouhaha, uniting all parties in mutual, patriotic disgust.
- Lada Gaga is unattractive.
- Although the British monarchy was overthrown in 1776, there is a man Americans refer to as “The King”. Allegedly he moonlights as a basketball player named Lebron James, but his reverence and sheer influence clearly suggest a deeper, political connection to American society and international relations. He should be monitored.
- Miller Lite may have the funniest commercials, and all three beers target the same audience, but Americans actually prefer Bud Light and Coors Light.
- Baseball is boring.
- In America, vodka is a drink for women. This made Andrey incredibly surly, as he had to endure light beer. Whereas, Elena was viewed as a dynamic socialite who could hold her liquor. The next pair of spies will require a male who undergoes a rigorous beer drinking training regimen. The first time Andrey vomited at barbecues we were able to blame food poisoning, the second time a stomach bug, the third and fourth times a rare allergy. However, the fifth through fourteenth incidences were remarkably awkward.
- If you are a sardonic, dry Brit, your odds of becoming a judge on a television program improve by 7312 percent.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger is a governor. Initially we believed all footage of him as such was a movie preview, however we slowly came to understand that there is nothing fictional, ironical, or satirical about his role as an elected official.
- There is something called “flossing” that dentists recommend Americans do twice per day. However, never in our time here did we ever see or hear about anybody, anywhere, engaging in this activity.
- Although she has proven to be an insane, strangely attractive and ridiculously dumb human being, Sarah Palin’s commentary concerning Russia being “right over the border” from Alaska was a direct reference to our top secret underwater nuclear base right over the border from Alaska. She must be taken out.
This concludes our summary. Although we obtained little information regarding actual politics, we believe that we have cracked the code of the average American psyche. Just as Americans wrongly believed that Russians are comprised of vodka and pickles, we erred in our belief that Americans are comprised of hamburgers and beer. Actually, they prefer cheeseburgers.
Comrades in Arms,
Andrey Bezrukov and Elena Vavilova
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